Category Marriage Enrichment

Dear Eddie:

Last week, we took part in a Virtual Marriage Enrichment Group about Differences. A couple shared that when they are vulnerable, their differences rise up. Under stress, you and I often fall back into Default Mode. Our personal factory settings give us the illusion of safety. In our marriage, those practices on both our parts can separate us from each other.

And I did it; right there in the rocking chair next to you on the porch, in the middle of a conversation about not Defaulting, I Defaulted. You remind me that it helps to name our own Defaults so we can recognize them. When I am threatened or vulnerable, I can slip into control and loneliness. I like that we practice “having the conversations,” in Wonderful Wednesdays. But yesterday, I turned to the next page, and it read “Needing Support.” My heart dropped, I teared up, and I changed the subject. The day’s agenda included laser surgery on my eye—one of those 30 second procedures that office staff minimize as “you’ll just see a bunch of flashing light” when you know that lasers can bring down airplanes. I had decided that I was a big girl, that you had a meeting to attend, and that I could do this on my own. And, yes, I was “in control” and “lonely.”

So I ‘fessed up. Without hesitation, you said, “I’ve got your back.” I appreciate that we have learned to recognize our own Defaults and make better choices. When we are honest about our need for help, we draw closer together.

Thank you, precious friend, for accompanying me in a myriad of ways.

Love,

Sylvia

Darling Sylvia,
I vividly remember our first fight in the fall of 1967. We were leaving Tyler Dining Hall. The fight started when you stated the obvious; “It’s your attitude – Eddie!” I laughed and shared with the young married resident advisors of Mitchell Hall approaching on the sidewalk that it was ‘my attitude.’ They joined me in my mirth.
What I did was wrong in so many ways. I had heard ‘your attitude’ from Mrs. Stripe (Spanish teacher), Bruce Smith (basketball coach), Denny Stoltz (football coach), my mother, and now I was hearing it from the person that would become the most important person in my life. With so many important people in my life in agreement, I realized that my attitude did need to improve.
At 20, I had not mastered the skill of straight talk. I had not (1) sensed (seen the hives on your neck) , (2) I had not identified how I felt (a 20 year old defensive end in 1967 did not have feelings), (3) I thought absurdly that everything I did was from my great intellect, (4) I wanted to be close to you and (5) I had brought others into what you had privately said. My action had not matched my wishes, and you had been humiliated in public by the boy you loved.
After 49 years of wanting to be close to you, I am still struggling with the skills that make up straight talk. I do a lot better with feelings (yes, I do have them and now can name them occasionally), I sometimes still have a problem identifying what I intend or want to achieve (which is to be a better man and to be closer to you), and I still may act like an idiot. Have patience; our work is not yet done. I am still a work in progress.
This letter is a very belated and public repair attempt. And, in the present, I am very sorry that I got so pissed off at you Thursday when the roofers came just as we sat down to a supper of your wonderful eggplant pizza.

Love you, Doll,

Eddie Bert

Our “retirement” is much more active than we anticipated. Our family needs us in ways we did not plan. There are still endless tasks to be accomplished. In stress, I regress to old strategies, the “default” settings of my personality. My “default” says, “If you don’t do it/fix it, it won’t get fixed.” So, I climb back on the gerbil wheel, striving to exhaustion to fix.

I need to stop. Yesterday, I was glad to go to my prayer group. I know that the discipline focuses me in helpful ways. But, even in the middle of the reading, my mind said, “There was a box of spaghetti on the counter. Wonder how much is in it? Last time, we had to cook extra. Must add to list.” Really?

Likewise, when I revert to “default,” Eddie and I as a couple get lost. We know that we gain sustenance from retreating into our “Couple Bubble.” That is a blessed place where we are listened to, where we affirm each other, and where, sometimes, we can just BE. We zipped to Michigan for Eddie’s high school reunion weekend. We went to the parties, but we also took some time to BE together. We took what his folks called “A ride to Mancelona.” We walked by the Au Sable river. We just lay on the big Bed and Breakfast four-poster and listened to the neighborhood sounds filtering in through the tall bright second-floor windows—windows like those in our honeymoon apartment.

In reality, no “fix” is possible. Life is life. Life has both trials and blessings. I need to remember where I get my sustenance; I need to remember where Eddie and I get our couple sustenance. I need to act on what I have learned.

Darling Sylvia,

On the eve of returning to Grayling for my 50th high school reunion, I have been thinking a lot about the boy that left Grayling and the man that you helped me to become.

Grayling like many rural small towns was a warm and safe place to be. People knew who I was, who my people were, and when Tom and Ruth’s good boy, Eddie, skipped from the Southside School in the second grade. It really did take a village. They knew me and my place. Granddad raised kids and stones on the banks of the Maple River. The expectation was that we take the next step up the educational and economic ladder. We were to become teachers, preachers, doctors or lawyers. Because of sharing the bass section in choir with Doc Allison, I added scientist to the list. Fortunately, my older brother Joe became the preacher. As the fourth child, Mom’s expectation had been reduced to my becoming a good person who would not embarrass the family.

In the fall of 1965, I was desperate to get out of “safe” Grayling. Little did I know that Grayling, and the things that I learned there, would always be a part of the boy within me. Some of my understandings of the world were worth keeping. Some had to be unlearned.

When I arrived at Alma College, I had a new me to create. Unfortunately, some of my drive was powered by the “better than” syndrome that took another forty years to discard. The new me was nurtured in Drs. Oltz, Kapp, Eyer and Edgar’s biology classrooms and Denny Stoltz’s football practice fields.

I was also in search of a beautiful bright girl to share my love of family, flowers, animals and faith. In bonehead chemistry, I found you. I knew I was really in this thing called love after a date at Lumberjack Park when I realized that you loved me more than I loved me. I had no idea what a wonderful challenging couple journey we would have. We were two lead horses who had to give up the need to be right or to have the last word. I had to learn that compromise was not an evil thing. I had to discover that your request to listen to you was not an invitation to fix. I had to learn more about the child I had brought from Grayling and to honor and cherish the child you brought from Grosse Pointe Park. It’s been a fine ride these last 46 years, and I look forward to a future in which we learn more about each other. I love you.

Eddie Bert

Our home needs regular scheduled maintenance: the siding around the outside faucet is crumbling; the privet is overgrowing the fence; a heat pump is over 20 years old. Cars need oil changes, hoses, transmissions flushed. Our bodies fare a little better; we see some doctor every three months, pacemaker checks, blood work. Extended family relationships need nurturing. Jobs require continuing education and licensures; we can’t let those requirements lapse, can we?

Likewise, our marriages need regular scheduled maintenance. We say, “I do,” and somehow expect our marriages to keep up with us as we fly through our two lives. Demands pull us away from each other and the joy we can experience as married partners in life. When we married, we made some promises to each other before God and in the presence of our community. Churches, agencies, and marriage enrichment groups offer many opportunities for marital growth.

We just returned from the Better Marriages Conference in St. Louis. This is the “big one” that happens every two years. Why did we go? Why did we invest the time and money? We need maintenance. A crucial part of that maintenance is to share in the experiences of other couples, to learn new skills, and to access resources for ourselves and those we love. We found skills on fighting fairly (all around the world), we gained insight into helping those experiencing betrayal, we learned of services for families impacted by incarceration, we revisited the power of humor based in self-knowledge, and giggled our way through the reintroduction of the “Ten Second Kiss” (you can stop at 7 at high altitudes). We will share the new resources with you on this site. We need a periodic marriage friendly, marriage energizing event to tune our couple engine. We encourage you to find one for yourselves. It is a maintenance investment you will never regret. For example, we will be at the Better Marriages Georgia Getaway for Valentine’s weekend in 2016. www.bettermarriagesga.org

Will you think about your vows and commit to cherish your spouse in some program this fall? Time conflicts come immediately to mind; we all have them. It’s important.

Explore making a commitment to your marriage in a couples’ program this year knee to knee.

What opportunities are available?

What would you like to do?

Who will take the next step of registering?

My darling, Sylvia,

Last week, while we were trying to find private space to celebrate our 46th anniversary, I came to the realization that my love for you is an action word that changes as the externals of our complicated life change.

In my 19th year, my love was taking you for a pizza at Sam’s or a twenty minute break before curfew. In my 22nd year, it was washing your beautiful to your waist hair in our old fashioned deep kitchen sink. At 27, it was walking our daughter and softly singing old Kingston Trio songs to her. When I was 35, it was learning that vacuuming was really important. When I was 42, it was holding in my arms a sick and troubled son. When I was 50, I discovered that emptying the dishwasher somehow had become very important to you. At 56, I discovered that singing “Buffalo Gals, Won’t you Come Out Tonight?” with a confused Mom as we took her home after dinner was love. When I was 64, love was saying I was open to your retiring early. At 67, love was saying, “Let’s go to Tuscany; I can put off buying the tractor.” At 68, love is “I’ll keep the grandchildren; you go to your meeting.”

Love, let me tell you; the ways of my loving have changed, but the fact of my love remains. Your love touches my soul daily.

Eddie

Is there hope for marriage today? We believe there is hope, but, as with all valuable things, marriages must be protected and nurtured. Our son, Nate, trail named Maple Leaf, hiked the Appalachian Trail, Georgia to Maine, in 1996. Day hikers and Scouts repeatedly asked two questions: “Have you seen any bears?” and “What do you eat?” He answered, “Yes, there are bears, and they will steal your food. You have to hang your pack up high and always assume there are bears around.” The second answer was “Peanut Butter and Mac and Cheese.”

In our life as a couple, there are many “bears” which will steal time and joy from our relationship. They don’t respect what is in our “pack;” we have to keep it out of their reach. Likewise, the essential “food” of our relationship is talking with and listening to each other, building a life in tandem. We must stay up to date with each other. We do this by setting aside at least a little time often to look at each other and share our lives.

Think about the following questions. Take time to turn to your mate and share your thoughts. Listen to your mate’s thoughts knee to knee.

What do you appreciate about your marriage?    

Who or what are your “bears?” ….They might even be people and things you like.

How do you secure your marriage “pack?”

What “food” sustains you and your marriage for the long haul?

How can you get and keep more of that “good food?”

What about Today’s Electronics and Marriage?

We were asked for our thoughts on how cell phones, computers, and all of the ever-changing technologies have influenced marriage and especially communication for couples (in good and not-so-good ways). We are dinosaurs and think electronics and marriage not always a good mix.  We tend to immediately think of technology as distraction from our relationship. We still like to get away from being on immediate call to anybody. We do have to admit that there are at least two sides to every argument. In 1968, there was one telephone upstairs and one downstairs in my home. In lonely college summers, I dragged the cord of the rotary phone from the hall under the bedroom door to be able to talk to Eddie late into the night. It reached inside the room by about two inches. Likewise, I awaited the mail delivery for handwritten missives. We used the technology we had to build our relationship.

Today, couples communicate by cell phones and computers when they are not together. They can choose how to use them to enhance their relationship. They can also be alert for any detrimental effects of the ways they use them.

Good for Couples–

Joint calendars and scheduling

Quick contacts for logistics: “pick up kids, please”

Reminders: “It’s your mother’s birthday.”

Sweet texts: “Love you, Hon!”

Instant support from friends and loved ones

Photos capture moments

Access to resources-Better Marriages App, music, lyrics

Skype closes distance for couples

Both parties can yell at the GPS in traffic and not at each other

Cautions for all users

Technology demands immediate attention and can lead us down “Alice in Wonderland rabbit holes” to magic imaginary places. Machines take less effort than real live humans.  Siri can read the dictionary definitions of love, but she does not need love; humans do. Our spouses do. The key is being intentional in our use of technologies. Do they help us to get where we want to go?

What are the good and not-so-good effects of technology on your marriage?

What would you change, if anything?

We adopt new technologies if they bring us closer to each other and to others we cherish. Our daughter’s blog, our son’s e-mail—they are worth admission into our privacy.

“Ought to be required”

“Since you two are marriage enrichment leaders, you need to go to see the movie Hope Springs. It’s good; maybe ought to be required for the marriage enrichment group.” So read the e-mail. ‘Need?’ ‘Ought?’ ‘Required?’ Reviews were good, but the characters would be too real and in pain. ‘Entertainment?’ We didn’t really want to ‘go there,’ but we went.

Reply: Thank you so much for sending us to see Hope Springs. We made some couple time after church, got there an hour early (checked the paper, not the website), but chilled to the music and relaxed before the ‘on-screen’ games began and the place filled up with ‘boomers.’ Ed dozed in post sermon collapse; you know he was called last night to sub for a sick pastor. Kind of nice to hold hands in the quiet. While some of the movie was stressful to watch, it was a vivid portrayal of what can happen when couples lose track of each other in a variety of ways. Kay and Arnold lost the intimacy that brought them together in the beginning, not only sexually, but in listening, laughter, and play. It hurt to witness the loneliness. The therapists did help them to move forward. There was not a Pollyanna ending, but there was a hopeful happy ending. Wonderful things happen when hope is renewed and reinforced. A good movie for couples of any age.

You are right. Marriage enrichment is about getting and staying connected with our mates. Life works hard to disconnect us! Time is short. Work is hard. Loving kids is challenging. Health can be fragile. But having a life partner, friend, and lover is a blessing to be cherished, not taken for granted. We are intentionally making time to keep in touch with each other. There is even hope for couples like Kay and Arnold. There is hope for us and for you.” The characters needed the help of the therapists to move forward.