Archives 2023

Dear Eddie: We just enjoyed one of our quarterly two-night getaways. This time, it was with the Better Marriages North Carolina folks. I enjoyed relaxing in intentional marriage enrichment space with you and only being responsible for one piece of programming. We spent a lot of time thinking and talking about being supportive spouses. In those conversations, and with that group of couples, I found myself being grateful for the love and support we have received from other couples in our married life.

Way back at Alma College, when we were engaged, I remember married couples who first treated us as another couple. Dr. and Mrs. Kapp and Dr. and Mrs. Eyer invited us to their homes for dessert and gave us wedding presents. I think they gave us more in support. I think they enjoyed their own marriages very much. They were all four dynamic interesting individuals who really liked their spouses. I think they saw us having the real possibility of growing into that kind of marriage. They kept us in their circle of support as long as they lived.

At the conference, I was grateful for the many couples who have shared their real marriages-ups and downs, joys and concerns, difficulties and learnings-with us over the years. We have admired them, yes, but more than that, I think we have been inspired by them to live genuinely, to risk talking about hard stuff, to see ourselves on a growth trajectory. They took risks, and they kept themselves in the support of other couples who did the same. They cracked sometimes but healed and grew.

I am grateful that you were and are willing to keep our marriage in what we call a marriage-friendly connection. We were barely thirty when we were invited into marriage enrichment. The support of that cloud of witnesses goes on even fifty years later and even after the deaths of many of our friends. I want every couple to find a trustworthy connection. They need other people who love their own spouses and want to grow and stay together.

Thank you always for taking the risk to live real with me and with those who support us. I love you.

Sylvia

Who supports your vision for your marriage? Who do you trust to have your best interest at heart?

Brainstorm together resources you might seek (people, groups, books, websites, organizations.) What one move will you make toward a marriage-friendly connection?

Darling Sylvia,

Grace notes are musical ornaments. I was introduced to bagpipe grace notes during the fall of 1970 by Charlie Russell, lead piper in Saint Paul’s Irish Pipe Band.  He taught me how to use my right pinky to flit across the bottom hole of my chanter, adding  grace notes to Scotland the Brave. The presence of grace notes elevates the pipe’s playing above the ordinary. In our 54 years of marriage, I know that it is the grace notes (little things, actions, and habits) that take our love above the treble clef.

Grace notes, intentionally made to honor you, me, and our we, make all the difference. We have learned to name and honor the intentional grace notes that nourish us. My grace notes to you include not being afraid to tell you I love you. I learned to say I am wrong (out loud) and that I am truly sorry that I hurt you. I gladly apply Aspercreme to your beautiful body before you go to sleep.  The last words I say to you at night are, “I love you, and I am the luckiest man in the world.” I am so glad we met at Alma College. I make gestures to tell you that you count.  I pick up my clothes–and put them into the washer. I take the garbage out on Sunday night. I open car doors, set a pretty table (flowers, wine glasses, and scented candles), and hold you in my arms when you are missing your dad or mom. I try desperately to be thoughtful because I honor and cherish the person you are.

Your grace notes for me include putting my pills together and reminding me to take them. You remind me when the remote check of my pacemaker is due. You take me on Harbor Freight dates and buy drill presses and tool boxes. You lay out clothes for me to wear so that I will look hot for an old guy.  You cut my hair and trim my mustache.  You let me not be strong. I can cry and not be embarrassed. You laugh at my jokes and buy me beer even though the taste of it disgusts you. You keep the books and do the taxes. You remind me when I am over the speed limit where the police in Waleska hide.

We both play grace notes to our we. They include holding hands in church and doing our Upper Room together after breakfast, folding and putting away laundry, and sitting side by side on our love seat at the Waleska Farmers’ Market. We shop together at Aldi for cheap wine. We fast together before early morning blood draws. We offer extra ears at way too many joint medical appointments.  We do Weight Watchers together.  We make sure we get our two-night-away adventures every three months and celebrate them on the refrigerator Growth Plan. I am so glad we found each other.

Love, Your Lover Bert

What are the grace notes in your home? How do you and your mate honor each other and grow your joint we?

Dear Eddie, I’m glad some things remain. 1967. You stood me up on the Newberry Hall bench at Alma College. You twirled me around, singing, “She loves flowers, she loves animals, she loves her family, she loves God, and she loves me more than even I love myself. On the outside back then, you thought you were pretty hot stuff.

Flowers remain. When I called you to supper tonight, you were busy in the greenhouse. You were flatting baby snapdragons. We just received notice that your application for the market has “unquestionably” been accepted. You courted me with flowers—bouquets, corsages, sprays of orchids. Fifty plus years later there is an orchid beside the kitchen sink and we will share your bouquets at market for another season.

Pets remain. A meow in my ear at 3 am signaled that Peter, our cat, needed a drippy faucet fountain turned on and a long drink before exiting out the back door. Louder meows and metallic pings as he plucked the window screen at 6 woke us enough to lie very still against each other, waiting for the other one to give in, get up, and open the door for the beast to enter.

Family remains. Our kids are grown but loved as ever. We never even dared to dream we would be so immersed in the lives of our grandchildren. Tonight, I wait for one to finish soccer practice, scroll Facebook for our boy marching at Universal with his high school band. This afternoon, I talked college scholarships with our Senior. Last night, we cuddled and shivered under a pile of blankets at a lacrosse game, watching our long-stick defender.

Our God remains. I am thankful that we bonded together in a relationship that included Him so long ago. He continues to hold us and shape our lives in whatever comes.

Love remains. I do love you; and your love for yourself is greater than in 1967—more grown, more tried, less in need of defense. All of these things have been shaped by our experiences through the years yet they remain. And you still make me smile when you twirl me.

Sylvia

For your couple conversation: What are essentials in your marriage that remain?

Darling Sylvia,

Returning home from our Marriage Getaway at Hilton Head, I am full of feelings; I feel… I feel confident that in high tides and in the inevitable low tides, I will be all right as long as you are by my side.

When I am with you, I feel alive. Your presence by my side expands my universe. You rock my world. You let me share your viewpoint. When you share what you see, I become aware of the beauty around me, the daffodils in the ditch, the golden jasmine in the forest canopy and the red haze of the maples in the swamp.

Your presence in my life fills my senses like the sweet fragrance of Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow. Whenever I see your smiling face, my world becomes a brighter and warmer place. You light up my world.

When you lay your head on my shoulder and I look down into the depths of your eyes, I feel at peace. When you reach out and touch my face, my skin tingles. When you pet my hair, my pacemaker skips a beat.

As we sleep. the heat of your back against mine calms my very busy mind. You warm my soul. You bring love into my life. You are my lover and my best friend.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Your Lover Bert

What thoughts will you share with your partner today?

Where do you have highs in low places?