Archives 2015

My darling, Sylvia,

Last week, while we were trying to find private space to celebrate our 46th anniversary, I came to the realization that my love for you is an action word that changes as the externals of our complicated life change.

In my 19th year, my love was taking you for a pizza at Sam’s or a twenty minute break before curfew. In my 22nd year, it was washing your beautiful to your waist hair in our old fashioned deep kitchen sink. At 27, it was walking our daughter and softly singing old Kingston Trio songs to her. When I was 35, it was learning that vacuuming was really important. When I was 42, it was holding in my arms a sick and troubled son. When I was 50, I discovered that emptying the dishwasher somehow had become very important to you. At 56, I discovered that singing “Buffalo Gals, Won’t you Come Out Tonight?” with a confused Mom as we took her home after dinner was love. When I was 64, love was saying I was open to your retiring early. At 67, love was saying, “Let’s go to Tuscany; I can put off buying the tractor.” At 68, love is “I’ll keep the grandchildren; you go to your meeting.”

Love, let me tell you; the ways of my loving have changed, but the fact of my love remains. Your love touches my soul daily.

Eddie

Is there hope for marriage today? We believe there is hope, but, as with all valuable things, marriages must be protected and nurtured. Our son, Nate, trail named Maple Leaf, hiked the Appalachian Trail, Georgia to Maine, in 1996. Day hikers and Scouts repeatedly asked two questions: “Have you seen any bears?” and “What do you eat?” He answered, “Yes, there are bears, and they will steal your food. You have to hang your pack up high and always assume there are bears around.” The second answer was “Peanut Butter and Mac and Cheese.”

In our life as a couple, there are many “bears” which will steal time and joy from our relationship. They don’t respect what is in our “pack;” we have to keep it out of their reach. Likewise, the essential “food” of our relationship is talking with and listening to each other, building a life in tandem. We must stay up to date with each other. We do this by setting aside at least a little time often to look at each other and share our lives.

Think about the following questions. Take time to turn to your mate and share your thoughts. Listen to your mate’s thoughts knee to knee.

What do you appreciate about your marriage?    

Who or what are your “bears?” ….They might even be people and things you like.

How do you secure your marriage “pack?”

What “food” sustains you and your marriage for the long haul?

How can you get and keep more of that “good food?”

What about Today’s Electronics and Marriage?

We were asked for our thoughts on how cell phones, computers, and all of the ever-changing technologies have influenced marriage and especially communication for couples (in good and not-so-good ways). We are dinosaurs and think electronics and marriage not always a good mix.  We tend to immediately think of technology as distraction from our relationship. We still like to get away from being on immediate call to anybody. We do have to admit that there are at least two sides to every argument. In 1968, there was one telephone upstairs and one downstairs in my home. In lonely college summers, I dragged the cord of the rotary phone from the hall under the bedroom door to be able to talk to Eddie late into the night. It reached inside the room by about two inches. Likewise, I awaited the mail delivery for handwritten missives. We used the technology we had to build our relationship.

Today, couples communicate by cell phones and computers when they are not together. They can choose how to use them to enhance their relationship. They can also be alert for any detrimental effects of the ways they use them.

Good for Couples–

Joint calendars and scheduling

Quick contacts for logistics: “pick up kids, please”

Reminders: “It’s your mother’s birthday.”

Sweet texts: “Love you, Hon!”

Instant support from friends and loved ones

Photos capture moments

Access to resources-Better Marriages App, music, lyrics

Skype closes distance for couples

Both parties can yell at the GPS in traffic and not at each other

Cautions for all users

Technology demands immediate attention and can lead us down “Alice in Wonderland rabbit holes” to magic imaginary places. Machines take less effort than real live humans.  Siri can read the dictionary definitions of love, but she does not need love; humans do. Our spouses do. The key is being intentional in our use of technologies. Do they help us to get where we want to go?

What are the good and not-so-good effects of technology on your marriage?

What would you change, if anything?

We adopt new technologies if they bring us closer to each other and to others we cherish. Our daughter’s blog, our son’s e-mail—they are worth admission into our privacy.

“Ought to be required”

“Since you two are marriage enrichment leaders, you need to go to see the movie Hope Springs. It’s good; maybe ought to be required for the marriage enrichment group.” So read the e-mail. ‘Need?’ ‘Ought?’ ‘Required?’ Reviews were good, but the characters would be too real and in pain. ‘Entertainment?’ We didn’t really want to ‘go there,’ but we went.

Reply: Thank you so much for sending us to see Hope Springs. We made some couple time after church, got there an hour early (checked the paper, not the website), but chilled to the music and relaxed before the ‘on-screen’ games began and the place filled up with ‘boomers.’ Ed dozed in post sermon collapse; you know he was called last night to sub for a sick pastor. Kind of nice to hold hands in the quiet. While some of the movie was stressful to watch, it was a vivid portrayal of what can happen when couples lose track of each other in a variety of ways. Kay and Arnold lost the intimacy that brought them together in the beginning, not only sexually, but in listening, laughter, and play. It hurt to witness the loneliness. The therapists did help them to move forward. There was not a Pollyanna ending, but there was a hopeful happy ending. Wonderful things happen when hope is renewed and reinforced. A good movie for couples of any age.

You are right. Marriage enrichment is about getting and staying connected with our mates. Life works hard to disconnect us! Time is short. Work is hard. Loving kids is challenging. Health can be fragile. But having a life partner, friend, and lover is a blessing to be cherished, not taken for granted. We are intentionally making time to keep in touch with each other. There is even hope for couples like Kay and Arnold. There is hope for us and for you.” The characters needed the help of the therapists to move forward.