Trivial events that trigger explosive reactions are signs to STOP and look for underlying causes.  The causes tend to be repeats from the past, often hurts that we think we have taken care of that bubble up when we least expect them.  Sometimes, they have to do with our partners, and sometimes not.  They may have to do with historical experiences of fear, grief, illness, job loss, aloneness, and desertion.  Sometimes the current event triggers feelings from the old stuff.

One partner responds to the current event – the other person is in pain from the past and really thinks it is about the present. Learning to spot the signal given by the inappropriate amount of emotion for the current event can cue the partner to stop, look and listen; slow down, and back off.  The couple can then back up and identify the issue together: as in, “That high emotion was kind of scary to me and maybe to you.  I’m guessing that it has to do with something that hurts. What in the world do you think that was about?” When you find the source, put up a couple warning signs:  Bridge May Ice in Winter. The sign reminds us both to be careful when danger zones come into view. Mutual placing of such signs is part of honoring each other.

Are there places where you know that you are especially sensitive?

What warning signs can you put up with your partner?

Are there places where your partner already honors your feelings?

Credit: “Wonderful Wednesdays”
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