Dear Eddie:  I am grateful for our learnings about closure. I always heard the word closure to mean that something was over. The answer was final, subject closed. I learned that final rarely happens.

The word closure is used regarding unanswered questions or unpleasant experiences that people wish would stop. We hear it on crime dramas when families want answers. We hear closure used regarding grief. Because grief hurts, and no one knows how to make grief stop, people may short circuit the process for others who are grieving. I long ago learned that missing my dad is on-going and pops up unexpectedly over the years. Revisiting grief honors the relationship missed. Named and reexperienced, in perhaps shorter pieces, grief never completely reaches closure. You and I talk about these griefs. Our talks further bond us.

Interesting for our relationship have been two other kinds of closure. First, you demanded closure as an escape when you were uncomfortable and wanted to stop talking about something. That closure was complicated by my inherent need to solve anything NOW, with a million words if necessary. When “Ed’s need for Closure” kicked in, I would feel shut down and devalued. I learned something important. Your need for closure when you were uncomfortable was about you, not about me. I learned you could be flooded with emotion or unable to process everything all at once. When I gave you space, you surprised me. You came back to the discussions on your own. You did care about my input. We worked through things together. That became our new pattern.

Second, I discovered that you would give closure to me, to us, as a gift despite your discomfort. I first recognized this gift the summer Mama was dying in the nursing home. You announced, “We will make the trip to Spain that we have planned.” You closed the yes/no conversation when I would have seen the trip as impossible. And together we figured out how to do it. You chose for us, over your own discomfort, and helped me with mine.

Darling Eddie, our patterns have shifted as we have grown. I love you.

Sylvia

Does the need for closure play a role in your relationship?

What does it say about your inner workings? About your spouse’s?

Are there ways those answers can draw you closer? Change your patterns?