Dear Eddie, It is an invaluable gift that we learned to turn toward one another–often, daily, in joy, in fun, in trouble, in anger. Dr. John Gottman describes the turning toward behavior in his marriage research. I am more fortunate; I get to live it with you. Even though I know that I also turn toward you, I am most conscious of the many times you turn toward me. When you are reading and think something is thought provoking or funny, you tell me about it. If you find some incident with the grandchildren precious or hilarious, I hear about it. When your chicks down another feeder refill of crumbles in record time, I know it. If you are feeling outrageous or “inappropriate,” I’m the one who gets to share. Those ways that you live your life with me are intimate and dear to me. I feel secure and cherished in those connections.
I know it is more difficult to turn back toward me if there is some distance or brokenness between us–from too much busyness, neglect, disappointment, or plain old mad. And, you do it anyway. I am so glad that you do. You may have to cool down, cogitate for a while, reframe, or find some starter words but here you are again, turning toward me—knee to knee, heart to heart—reconnecting.
I know we were taught the skill of turning toward each other. Fun stuff was easier, but turning toward was not always second nature, especially with hard emotions. We were told that deciding to deliberately turn toward or back toward each other would get us “where we wanted to be.” Now, we even like the words “turning toward.” We get excited when we witness other couples doing the behavior, sometimes in our groups. We know that place of connection is where we can learn about ourselves and each other in safe space we have created together.
Thank you, sweet man, for every time you turn toward me.
Love, Sylvia
