Archives September 2015

Darling Sylvia,  I celebrated Labor Day by taking our seven year old grandson in the truck for a boys-only adventure. We took our 10% off coupon to Lowe’s and purchased a steel cart for my Troy-Bilt mower. My jaw clenched when I discovered the cart was in a box which declared blithely “30 minutes assembly required.” I sensed  do-overs on the horizon.

It was readily apparent that the boy was really up for some quality put-it-together time. The kit included 380 nuts, bolts and lock washers. After three hours and lots of good man-to-man talk, I discovered that you and our five year old granddaughter had invaded our man cave. As we prepared to bolt the tail gate on to the cart assembly, you quietly said that perhaps the base of the cart was upside down. The two inch gap in the tail gate assembly indicated that you might have a point. Unlike my reactions in my thirties, after 50 years of loving you, I paused and said we would return to the job another time and do it right.

When our blow-ups occur and it gets hot in the kitchen we have learned to cool down and then say “I am sorry and please let’s have a do-over.” Thank you for teaching me that an occasional do-over (even redoing the thirty bolts on the garden cart) is a sign of strength in our relationship rather a sign of failure. I am grateful for the past do-overs and the ones I am sure I will need in the future.

Love,  Eddie Bert

Dear Eddie:

Last week, we took part in a Virtual Marriage Enrichment Group about Differences. A couple shared that when they are vulnerable, their differences rise up. Under stress, you and I often fall back into Default Mode. Our personal factory settings give us the illusion of safety. In our marriage, those practices on both our parts can separate us from each other.

And I did it; right there in the rocking chair next to you on the porch, in the middle of a conversation about not Defaulting, I Defaulted. You remind me that it helps to name our own Defaults so we can recognize them. When I am threatened or vulnerable, I can slip into control and loneliness. I like that we practice “having the conversations,” in Wonderful Wednesdays. But yesterday, I turned to the next page, and it read “Needing Support.” My heart dropped, I teared up, and I changed the subject. The day’s agenda included laser surgery on my eye—one of those 30 second procedures that office staff minimize as “you’ll just see a bunch of flashing light” when you know that lasers can bring down airplanes. I had decided that I was a big girl, that you had a meeting to attend, and that I could do this on my own. And, yes, I was “in control” and “lonely.”

So I ‘fessed up. Without hesitation, you said, “I’ve got your back.” I appreciate that we have learned to recognize our own Defaults and make better choices. When we are honest about our need for help, we draw closer together.

Thank you, precious friend, for accompanying me in a myriad of ways.

Love,

Sylvia